I still don’t believe there is a woman on this earth who doesn’t have days where she doesn’t feel ‘as vibrant’ or ‘as sexy’ or ‘as thin’ as she did the day before.
Comparison is the thief in the night.
I’m lucky enough to have stages where I feel so powerful and confident but it can still be taken away by something so little. I don’t like being sad, i give myself a hard time for moping. In the past ive I tended to use escape mechanisms instead of confronting the real issue.
Denial is the perfect door for mental health. I read once that anxiety is sent to us as a blessing in disguise, reaching out forcing us to face whatever it is that isn’t quite right inside…
But here’s the thing, sometimes it’s just damn hard. Let yourself feel. It’s healthy!
What isn’t healthy is ‘punishment’, feeling unworthy and not knowing how to love ourselves completely.
At the time I thought I was just being a girl. I wanted to be thinner. But then I wanted to be thinner than everyone around me. And then I started checking my waist and thighs in every mirror.
I’d go through the day on minimal to eat and substitute food for cups of tea and cigarettes.
Then i would binge…
And then on the dark days I would make myself sick…
I was scared of food. I was scared of ‘healthy’ and I was scared of three meals a day.
The irony was I actually lost more weight as I started to get better and later went on to learn that most of the calories consumed from binging were stored quicker than I could get rid of them.
The truth is i had to heal what was really going on with me before healing how I felt about myself, there wasn’t an easy way out but there was a way.
My weight fluctuates naturally. So I still now get ‘those’ days. Not to say I’m not still trying to better myself because I am. Healthy is a way of life, not a 12 day fad diet! I think it has taken me up until quite recently to confront and truly get to a place where healthy is so much more important to me than skinny.
Also that there are so much more important things in life!
All my fears about adopting a healthy diet were irrational. All I gained was health, self love and energy.
“What if we said, she’s beautiful and so am I. Not she’s beautiful and how do I measure up to her?”
Just remember no matter what you’re going through you are not alone and keep pushing because you have it in you